GEORGE BUSH & CONDOLEEZZA RICE
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
! ;
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No.! But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
&! gt;
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese ! food in the Middle East?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place?
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I've been doing it for years.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Gauhar's contribution
Money is not everything... There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals... They are so tasty.
Save water... Shower with your friend.
Love thy neighbor... But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman... And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry... After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife can spend... A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wise never marry... and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term... It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow... what you can put off today.
Lubna's contribution
(Passing requires 8 correct answers)
- How long did the Hundred Years War last?
- Which country makes Panama hats?
- From which animal do we get catgut?
- In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
- What is a camel's hair brush made of?
- The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
- What was King George VI's first name?
- What color is a purple finch?
- Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
- How long did the Thirty Years War last?
All done? Before you dash off with a big smile on your face, better check your answers below!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
(Place the cursor on the images to see the answers.)
- How long did the Hundred Years War last?
- Which country makes Panama hats?
- From which animal do we get catgut?
- In which month do Russians celebrate their October Revolution?
- What is a camel's hair brush made of?
- The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
- What was King George VI's first name?
- What color is a purple finch?
- Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
- How long did the Thirty Years War last?
What - do you mean you flunked???
Answers:
116 years; Ecuador; Sheep or horses; November; Squirrel fur; Dogs; Albert; Crimson; New Zealand; Thirty years!
Aneel's contribution
Two business men seated on an airplane noticed a Muslim man sitting in front of them, one of the men says to the other with a wink, "I was going to go to Africa until I found out that half the country is Muslim so I don't want to go there".
The other man says, "We'll how about Saudi Arabia then?"
The first man says "No way, that place is loaded with those Muslims too."
The other man suggests a trip to the US but his companion says "The Muslims have spread out over the whole country every time I turn around there I bump into one."
The men are watching the Muslim, and can see that the Muslim man is fidgeting and getting kind of agitated about their conversation. The fellow who started the teasing decides to really get him mad and says "I really wanted to go to Pakistan but that place is crawling with Muslims."
At this the Muslim man has had it and finally turns around in his seat and sweetly says to the men, "Why don't you both go to hell? There's hardly any Muslims there!"
???'s contribution
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and they have the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure! Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
Gauhar's contribution
A Pakistani, an Indian, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and... it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Pakistani are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking : "That Indian must have tried to kiss that girl and has got slapped."
The Indian is thinking : "Damn it, that Pakistani must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking : "That Indian must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Pakistani instead and got slapped."
The Pakistani is thinking : "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian again."
Ali's contribution
- A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying "he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. - WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up." - WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. - THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. - DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!" - ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" - NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllloooooooooo!) - THE GRAND FINALE (for all you boaters out there, you know who you are!)
This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
(I think we have a Darwin Award finalist here!)
Gauhar's contribution
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